How we work
This page is for anyone who wants to understand the work before deciding whether to start. It’s built around three questions most people are already asking themselves.
What brings me here?
Usually something changes first. A loss, a move, a decision, or a slow sense that the way things are no longer fits. Feelings come before words for it. To make sense of it, we reach back into the past, and the mood we’re in shapes what we find there. Low moods bring up low memories.
Under that pressure, most of us fall back on old habits, the ways of coping we already know (Schwabe & Wolf, 2009). For some people that means pulling away from others. For others it’s filling the space with work, scrolling or anything else that keeps the question quiet. Both make sense in the moment, and both can keep the question going.
Then there’s the asking. Why do I feel like this? Why does this keep happening? Research on rumination, which is going over the same worries again and again, shows that these “why” questions tend to keep low mood going rather than lift it, while more concrete “how” and “what” questions help people move (Watkins, 2008).
What choices does it leave me?
Stress narrows thinking. When we’re under pressure, the parts of the brain that help us plan and weigh options work less well, and we fall back on quick, habitual responses (Arnsten, 2009). When something feels scarce, whether that’s time, money or energy, attention tunnels onto it and everything else drops out of view (Mullainathan & Shafir, 2013).
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So the options seem to shrink. When pressure builds, most of us retreat to the corner. It feels safe there. The trouble is that from the corner, it’s hard to see any other way out, and staying can start to feel like the only option.
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Noticing “I don’t want to stay here” is already a choice. Most people arrive with mixed feelings, wanting things to change and unsure about what change would cost. That’s normal, and it’s a good place to start (Miller & Rollnick, 2013).
How do we move forward?
We start by sorting what can’t be changed from what can. Some things are outside your control, and accepting them is a choice you make, not a defeat. Other things feel set in stone and aren’t, and those are where the work begins.
The past becomes a set of signposts rather than hard stops. We look at the stretches that went fine as well as the ones that didn’t. Then we take small, practical steps at your own pace. Small wins build on each other in a way big plans often don’t (Weick, 1984), and deciding in advance when and where you’ll do something makes it more likely to happen (Gollwitzer & Sheeran, 2006).
What the work draws on
Each step is treated as an experiment. You try it, see how it fits, and adjust. When something doesn’t work, that’s information, not failure. Treating setbacks with understanding rather than harshness makes people more likely to try again (Breines & Chen, 2012).
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Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) looks at how thoughts, feelings and actions affect each other. Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) focuses on acting on what matters to you, even when thoughts and feelings are difficult. The method draws on both.
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The Stoics separated what’s in our control from what isn’t. That’s where the work usually starts.
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Frankl argued that even in the hardest circumstances, the stance we take towards them is still ours.
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Albert Camus faced a world that doesn’t hand us answers, and chose to live fully in it anyway. Søren Kierkegaard noticed that life is understood looking back but lived going forwards.
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Jean-Paul Sartre held that we make ourselves through what we do. Friedrich Nietzsche treated our actions as experiments we learn from. You don’t need to know any of them. The ideas come in plain words, when they help.
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Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009). Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 410-422.
Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133-1143.
Gollwitzer, P. M., & Sheeran, P. (2006). Implementation intentions and goal achievement: A meta-analysis of effects and processes. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 69-119.
Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2013). Motivational interviewing: Helping people change (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
Mullainathan, S., & Shafir, E. (2013). Scarcity: Why having too little means so much. Times Books.
Schwabe, L., & Wolf, O. T. (2009). Stress prompts habit behavior in humans. Journal of Neuroscience, 29(22), 7191-7198.
Watkins, E. R. (2008). Constructive and unconstructive repetitive thought. Psychological Bulletin, 134(2), 163-206.
Weick, K. E. (1984). Small wins: Redefining the scale of social problems. American Psychologist, 39(1), 40-49.
What happens in sessions
60 minutes · Online · £80 a session, or £450 for a block of six
Most people meet for between six and twelve sessions, and twelve tends to give the work room to settle. We agree the length together, and we plan the ending from the start, because the aim is for you to carry this on without me.
Each session has the same shape. We look back at what’s shifted since last time, pick a question to work on, do the work, and finish with something to carry forward. No preparation is needed. Bring whatever’s on your mind.
After each session you’ll get an email with blank workbook pages for anything we covered. They’re yours to keep. Sessions aren’t recorded or transcribed. I keep brief written notes, identified by initials or a code rather than your name, and held securely.
Start with a free conversation.
Thirty minutes to talk about what brings you here and whether working together makes sense. No obligation.