Why would writing a rule on a sheet of paper change how much it controls you?
The first post in this series set out an exercise for sorting the rules you live by: write ten "I should" sentences, find where each came from, ask what it protects, test whether you would keep it in private, rewrite the keepers as directions, and try one change for a week. This post explains why each part does what it does. Knowing how a method works makes it easier to stay with it when it feels uncomfortable.
Why old rules feel like your own
Psychologists distinguish between rules we have taken in whole and values we have looked at and agreed with. A rule taken in whole is followed to avoid guilt or shame. A value we agree with is followed because it matters to us (Ryan & Deci, 2000). From the inside, both feel like "who I am", which is why the first kind goes unquestioned for so long.
Stress makes this worse. Under pressure, people rely more on habit and less on deliberate choice (Schwabe & Wolf, 2009). So the rules learned earliest tend to run hardest at exactly the moments when a fresh decision is most needed. A busy week is when "never let anyone down" takes over.
Steps one and two: getting the rules where you can see them
A rule that stays in your head is experienced as the way things are. Written down, it becomes a sentence you can look at. Acceptance-based approaches call this defusion: noticing a thought as a thought you are having, instead of a fact about the world (Hayes et al., 2012). Asking where each rule came from adds to that distance. "My father always said this" is easier to weigh than "this is true".
Step three: finding what the rule protects
Most rules were useful once. They kept the peace, earned approval or avoided embarrassment. Cognitive behavioural approaches describe these as rules for living, often formed early to cope with particular circumstances (Beck, 2011). Asking what you fear would happen if you broke the rule brings that original job into view. Once you can see what a rule was protecting you from, you can ask whether that danger is still present.
Step four: the private test
Asking whether you would keep a rule if no one would ever know separates the two kinds of motivation described above. Rules kept only for an audience usually fail. Values you endorse usually pass. Studies of goals point the same way: people working towards goals that fit their own values keep going for longer and get more from reaching them (Sheldon & Elliot, 1999).
Step five: rewriting as a direction
"I should always help" is a test you either pass or fail. "I want to help when I have the capacity to" is a direction you can move in, a little, today. Values framed as directions allow for bad days without turning each one into a failure, which keeps you acting on them for longer (Hayes et al., 2012).
Step six: testing one change
This is the step that changes things. A rule built on fear predicts that something bad will happen if you break it. The only way to check that prediction is to break it once, in a small and safe way, and watch what happens. Cognitive behavioural approaches call this a behavioural experiment, and it tends to shift belief more than discussion alone (Bennett-Levy et al., 2004).
Planning the test precisely helps. Deciding in advance "if a request comes in after 6pm, I will reply in the morning" makes you far more likely to follow through than a general intention to say no more often (Gollwitzer & Sheeran, 2006).
Choose, try, adjust
Expect the first test to feel uncomfortable. That discomfort is the old rule reacting, and it usually eases with repetition. If the feared outcome does arrive, treat it as information: perhaps the rule needs adjusting instead of dropping, or the test was too large. Run a smaller one.
The third piece in the series is a longer read on what philosophy has said about this, from Kierkegaard to Frankl, and why the question of whose values you live by is older than psychology.
Working through this alone is possible. Some people find it easier with someone asking the questions alongside them. If that would help, the first conversation with us is free.
If this was useful, feel free to share it.
References
Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive behavior therapy: Basics and beyond (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Bennett-Levy, J., Butler, G., Fennell, M., Hackmann, A., Mueller, M., & Westbrook, D. (Eds.). (2004). Oxford guide to behavioural experiments in cognitive therapy. Oxford University Press.
Gollwitzer, P. M., & Sheeran, P. (2006). Implementation intentions and goal achievement: A meta-analysis of effects and processes. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 69–119. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(06)38002-1
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.1.68
Schwabe, L., & Wolf, O. T. (2009). Stress prompts habit behavior in humans. Journal of Neuroscience, 29(22), 7191–7198. https://doi.org/10.1523/JNEUROSCI.0979-09.2009
Sheldon, K. M., & Elliot, A. J. (1999). Goal striving, need satisfaction, and longitudinal well-being: The self-concordance model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76(3), 482–497. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.76.3.482
